There exists a kind of relationship confusion which is hard to explain to any one else.
You love them, you enjoy spending time with them, and there could be attraction, a shared history, inside jokes, and occasions when being together seems easy. It's easy to see why the relationship should succeed, and perhaps both of you would like it to.
Yet something continues to catch.
You may be hoping to talk with them when they need some space. You might feel you are closest to them during lengthy conversations even though they show their love by just being there. You could be attempting to build a life based on ambition and independence while they picture one that is quieter, more intertwined or completely different.
This does not imply that the love was false.
It might just be that love and compatibility are never really the same thing.
We usually think of compatibility as if it's a matter of having it or not having it—we say that two people have chemistry, that they share interests, that they communicate well, and that their personalities "click". However, true compatibility is not so much about finding someone who matches your own personality as it is about working out whether two people can actually build a life together without one of them always feeling deprived of something important.
At times, it's not the case that you're lacking love; perhaps you're just not matched with the correct type of partner.
You May Want Different Kinds of Closeness
A fairly common mistake in a relationship is to suppose that just because two people both desire intimacy, that means they want the same kind of intimacy.
You will probably feel most closely connected when another person tells you what they are thinking, discusses their difficult emotions and allows you access to the more unrefined aspects of their inner life; for someone else, the closest relationship might be achieved through physical affection, shared experiences, sex or just spending time together without feeling it necessary to turn everything into a conversation.
It doesn't follow that one person is less loving.
Yet suppose that you keep on reaching for emotional intimacy and instead get practical assistance? Or that you desire more shared experiences but your partner thinks that merely being committed to you is sufficient. Eventually, both of you may start to feel as though you are giving a lot while receiving very little of what is actually needed to make you feel connected.
That's the point at which relationships can become confusing. You might both be willing to put in an effort. You might both care. You might even both think that the other person is asking for something unreasonable.
The problem isn't always one of not having put in enough effort; it may be that you are using different kinds of language when you try to show closeness.
You should also consider how close you would like it to be.
In some cases a healthy relationship will involve a great deal of independence, separate friendships and time on one's own, while in other cases emotional closeness can be developed through frequent communication and a greater sense of sharing life. Neither of these approaches is necessarily the healthier one. Problems arise when one person's need for space is continually perceived by the other as rejection, or when one person's desire for closeness starts to be seen as pressure.
There are also the differences which have nothing whatever to do with romance.
It is possible to love somebody and at the same time be moving towards different lives.
Maybe one of you is aiming at changing cities, taking on professional risks and pursuing an ambitious career, while the other places more importance on stability and predictability. Maybe your views on marriage, family, money, or the amount of space a relationship should have in your life are gradually drifting in different directions.
These differences aren't always obvious at first. They can show up gradually, through little conversations about the future which neither person takes seriously until the future actually comes.
Why Communication Doesn't Always Fix the Problem
For almost any problem modern advice on relationships offers up as a solution is communication.
Communication does make a difference since it can reveal needs which had never been clearly expressed and stop two people from arguing about the wrong issue.
Communication isn't magic.
A person might completely understand why you need something and yet be unable to give it naturally or sustainably. It is possible for them to appreciate the importance of emotional openness to you even if they themselves do not experience closeness through frequent emotional discussion. Likewise, they may respect your ambition even if they prefer a kind of life that a relationship would require.
To understand something is not the same as changing so as to meet what someone else needs.
It doesn't follow that people can't change or make concessions. A great many differences are capable of being negotiated. Relationships do need to be adjusted. The real issue is whether the adjustment makes both people feel that they have been taken into account, or whether it instead causes one person to have to become smaller.
A helpful distinction can be made between a difference and a deprivation.
The fact that you enjoy different kinds of music is one thing, while the regular feeling of emotional loneliness in your relationship might be something completely different.
The main question isn't whether or not there are gaps between two people since all relationships have some gaps; it is whether or not both individuals can realistically accept those gaps without resentment building up in the background.
In that sense, compatibility is concerned with sustainability.
Is it possible for this relationship to go on without one of you having to give up something essential on repeated occasions? Is it possible to reach a state of compromise on both sides? And can you stay true to yourself in this situation?
The answers to those questions usually reveal more than any chemistry ever could.
Compatibility Isn't About Finding Your Perfect Match
That doesn't mean that a single person should fulfill all the needs you have.
It is not necessary for your partner to be your whole world, your best friend, your intellectual equal, your career adviser, your preferred travel companion and your main source of emotional support. A healthy life can include friendships, a sense of community, ambition, solitude and other identities that do not come from a relationship.
There is a significant difference between expecting a person to be everything and accepting a relationship which continually provides you with too little.
You do not need an exact match.
What you need is the correct things in sufficient amount.
Maybe that is the more helpful way of thinking about compatibility; not in terms of finding someone exactly like yourself or of looking for someone who will never let you down, but in terms of discovering a relationship in which the differences between the two of you do not mean that either person has to give up who they are.
Even if love is real it might still not be sufficient for a given relationship.
That is no sign of a lack of love.
It's often just the point at which you start to realize what love needs if it is to last.
